The Surgical Recovery Swearing Scale

It's 6:15 Sunday morning and I'm about 5 days post-op from my adenotonsillectomy. I haven't slept past 6am since I've been home, but I am sleeping longer into each morning. Today was too long. I know this because of the pain I had when I woke up. Where my tonsils were removed doesn't hurt...if you can believe that. What does hurt is my tongue and my jaw. And the little punching bag at the back of the throat, known medically as the uvula, is still swollen so it feels like I have a wad of disgustingness sitting on top of my tongue. It's like you have something to swallow...but can't.

I have painkillers to deal with this, but they're liquid. They work quickly, but they're a bitch going down. The bubblegum flavored antibiotics are yummy, and that reminds me of when I had strep as a kid.

This morning, as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror looking at the grays sneaking through my greasy mop of hair, and recognizing the horrible pain in my mouth, I realized I needed to come up with some sort of scale for which to equate the pain and annoyances of surgical recovery. Part of the reason is that I can equate just about anything to swearing because it's the one vice I have no regrets about, and the other is that I needed to find something humorous to help me cope with my lack of sleep.

Let it be known also that there is an actual pain scale in the medical world. It has a fancy name, but it's usually printed on yellow paper, ranges from 1 to 10, and also has happy/sad/angry faces associated to each number. Make note of it next time you're in the doctor's office.

Here's my interpretation of that scale...a mix of both actual pain and the little annoyances that come from being doped up on painkillers and being even more forgetful than I normally am:

• Oh Shit: This is what I say when I get up every morning and realize it's earlier than I'd normally get up for work.
• Dammit: This gets repeated alot throughout the day as my mouth fills up with saliva and I can't swallow. It also happens when I suddenly realize I have 12 things I'd like to do to get me through the day and keep myself occupied, but am too stoned to remember them quickly and write them all down.
• Son of a Bitch: Also repeated when I wake up and it hits me that I've drooled all over myself, my jaw feels like I got punched, and then remember I have to physically get up to get relief because I keep the drugs in the bathroom. It's not like when I woke up in recovery and just gave them a number, followed shortly by morphine and demerol being shot in my IV. Sigh....
• Fuck, Fuck, Fuckity, Fucker: Used in part or all together. I say this one as soon as I turn on the bathroom light and stare at the bottle of painkillers because I not only see relief, I see a bottle of tasty death. I like this one for the really bad pain, too. I repeat this over and over and over as I hold the little medicine spoon dispenser in one hand, and a cup of chaser water in the other. I say it further when the medicine hits my tongue, again when I swallow it, and then once more when I see I still have about three teaspoons to go.

Well I've now been awake for an hour...and the painkillers are well on they're way to working...which is probably why it's taken me so long to type this. Now I face my daily challenge of showering in my drugged state, forcing down some soft food which will probably kill my buzz and increase the pain, or going back to bed. Oh well, things could always be worse I suppose!

Peace out!