The Surgical Recovery Swearing Scale

It's 6:15 Sunday morning and I'm about 5 days post-op from my adenotonsillectomy. I haven't slept past 6am since I've been home, but I am sleeping longer into each morning. Today was too long. I know this because of the pain I had when I woke up. Where my tonsils were removed doesn't hurt...if you can believe that. What does hurt is my tongue and my jaw. And the little punching bag at the back of the throat, known medically as the uvula, is still swollen so it feels like I have a wad of disgustingness sitting on top of my tongue. It's like you have something to swallow...but can't.

I have painkillers to deal with this, but they're liquid. They work quickly, but they're a bitch going down. The bubblegum flavored antibiotics are yummy, and that reminds me of when I had strep as a kid.

This morning, as I stood in front of the bathroom mirror looking at the grays sneaking through my greasy mop of hair, and recognizing the horrible pain in my mouth, I realized I needed to come up with some sort of scale for which to equate the pain and annoyances of surgical recovery. Part of the reason is that I can equate just about anything to swearing because it's the one vice I have no regrets about, and the other is that I needed to find something humorous to help me cope with my lack of sleep.

Let it be known also that there is an actual pain scale in the medical world. It has a fancy name, but it's usually printed on yellow paper, ranges from 1 to 10, and also has happy/sad/angry faces associated to each number. Make note of it next time you're in the doctor's office.

Here's my interpretation of that scale...a mix of both actual pain and the little annoyances that come from being doped up on painkillers and being even more forgetful than I normally am:

• Oh Shit: This is what I say when I get up every morning and realize it's earlier than I'd normally get up for work.
• Dammit: This gets repeated alot throughout the day as my mouth fills up with saliva and I can't swallow. It also happens when I suddenly realize I have 12 things I'd like to do to get me through the day and keep myself occupied, but am too stoned to remember them quickly and write them all down.
• Son of a Bitch: Also repeated when I wake up and it hits me that I've drooled all over myself, my jaw feels like I got punched, and then remember I have to physically get up to get relief because I keep the drugs in the bathroom. It's not like when I woke up in recovery and just gave them a number, followed shortly by morphine and demerol being shot in my IV. Sigh....
• Fuck, Fuck, Fuckity, Fucker: Used in part or all together. I say this one as soon as I turn on the bathroom light and stare at the bottle of painkillers because I not only see relief, I see a bottle of tasty death. I like this one for the really bad pain, too. I repeat this over and over and over as I hold the little medicine spoon dispenser in one hand, and a cup of chaser water in the other. I say it further when the medicine hits my tongue, again when I swallow it, and then once more when I see I still have about three teaspoons to go.

Well I've now been awake for an hour...and the painkillers are well on they're way to working...which is probably why it's taken me so long to type this. Now I face my daily challenge of showering in my drugged state, forcing down some soft food which will probably kill my buzz and increase the pain, or going back to bed. Oh well, things could always be worse I suppose!

Peace out!

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's Day! There were many years where I hated this holiday, now I look forward to Chris and I exchanging cards. I got some cute ones for him and he got some cute ones for me. Yes "some" - as in two or three. I always see so many I like at Hallmark! I usually get a sentimental one, a cute one, and a funny one. The funny one this year was one of the new music cards....featuring "I Got You Babe" by Sonny and Cher. Hilarious.

I also got a very nice e-card from Angel today that made me giggle.

And...ta da! Here is a picture of the very pretty white with purple cala lilies that Chris got for me! My favorite flower....the lily. Beeeeeeeautiful!

Excuse me now while I go jam to Alicia Keys "No One" as Chris watches the DVR of Jericho. I'm over here tapping on my laptop and "this close" to singing with my headphones on....but I'd like this to continue to be a happy Valentine's Day. Hahahahaha There's only one singer in our house! What a freakin' awesome song.... Here's one of my favorite parts near the end:

No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I'm feelin'
No one, no one, no one
Can get in the way of what I feel for you

I know some people search the world
To find something like what we have
I know people will try try to divide something so real
So till the end of time I'm telling you there ain't no one

That's right Alicia....sigh. Love rules.

Peace out!

Numero UNO!

Is this the most adorable beagle you've ever seen? You're looking at Uno, who won Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night. The dogs are so adorable and the owners/handlers/trainers work so hard for this!

I remember my pal Jackie having alot of her dogs with papers. Her sister also trains dogs for dog shows and stuff too...or at least she did many moons ago! It just sounded so neat and like such a fun hobby. I'm sure it's hard, but for the people that do it, they look so happy and the dogs react so positively like they can tell when they win.

So my first pic here is of the winner, Uno:

Then we have this absolutely ridiculous picture of the Standard and Toy Poodles. Who owns these dogs? Why do they have little bubbles of fur on their bums? YUCK! They're not even functional! I love French culture, but I just don't get the purpose of these dogs. Maybe I'm just being too judgemental, but ewwww.

Whatever your fancy, don't be fooled by the cuteness of a dog show. Dogs have personalities, just like people, and it's important to fit the right dog to your lifestyle. Many dogs go up for adoption once owners realize it wasn't a good fit. But with enough research, you can make a good choice! Here is a link to the Westminseter Kennel Club website where you can read about nearly every breed of dog and if interested, find the right dog for you and your family!

People are...DUMB.

You know that song by the Doors called "People Are Strange?" Well, I think we need to update this song for 2008....because people are really, REALLY dumb. I've seen quite a few examples lately, and my normal course of action is to just make a joke about it, but today's incident got me thinking.

I'm having my tonsils out next Tuesday. Because I'm a chic and I am capable of getting pregnant, I am required by law to go pee in a cup to find out if I really am or not. So I scheduled my appointment online at the lab which is about 5 minutes from my house. I worked at home today to accomodate the 11am appointment, ensuring I could work a full day and get all the stuff done that I need to prior to going out on disability.

When I got there are 10:55, there were about 7-8 names ahead of mine. Ok, no problem. I took a seat and planned to just play solitaire on my phone until it was my turn. However, it was so incredibly quiet that even my very low decible keystrokes were loud for this rather small waiting room. A few other people walked in after me, quietly signed in, and then sat down.

Then in walks Ms. Look-At-Me-In-My-Pink-Vest-I'm-Above-Waiting-For-Anything-Because-I'm-Important-And-I-Probably-Don't-Fart-Out-Loud. Apparently the concept of a WAITING ROOM is something well beyond her realm of comprehension. At about 11:30, she asked something to one of the very busy nurses and I heard her mention "11:10," leading me to believe that 20 minutes of waiting was unacceptable.

She sat back down and shortly after her super-customized-made-just-for-me ringtone blared loudly. "Oooo, look at me - I'm getting a phone call!" Yuck. Here is what the entire room got to hear: "Hello. Hello? No, I haven't even been called yet. Where are you? No, I'm still sitting here. Apparently they are really backed up because of the stupid walk-ins. Yes, I made an appointment! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."

I actually leaned forward and looked her way, hoping she'd glance over. I wasn't really sure what I was going to do, but it was one of those moments where your brain just takes a walk and you start believing that the scene you're playing out in your head will actually happen. Mine involved asking some sarcastic question followed by head knods and a few "right ons" from the rest of the people waiting. Knowing I could never keep that calm in the face of stupidity, I sat back and continued to read the Newsweek article about Hillary Clinton.

My name was called and when I went back, I made small talk with the nurse that my aunt is a nurse, and nurses are great and nurses do more than doctors. Then I told her that "you've got a live one out there." I explained that she was whining, followed by, "She's one of those people who might need to have her vein missed a few times today." The nurse laughed and said, "Well, I've been here since 3am without a break."

That's what motivated me to write this. Here's a woman working her ass off to serve the public, and she has to deal with people like this. Don't people realize that without women like this nurse, or truck drivers, or bakers, or grocery store clerks that we'd all be highly inconvenienced? Do you really enjoy self-checkout? I certainly don't!

So I finished up, made sure they knew where to send the results and happily walked out. I wanted to stick my tongue out to this woman, but then that would make me "one of them." And we all know the world can't afford any more stupids.

Peace out friends!